Author: Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC Author's Website: http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm Added: September 9, 2006
The expectations for fathers are increasing both at work and at
home. Here are ten ways for fathers to be more effective in the
most important job they’ll ever have:
1.See your kids as capable
The achilles heel of many fathers is to see their kids as “not
good enough.” Your kids will feel this, and they’ll live up to
these expectations. The more you approve of them, the greater
they’ll be!
2.Make time for your kids
There will always be more work, but you won’t always have the
chance to be with your kids. Are there ways to include them in
chores around the house? Your kids will know if they matter to
you by the effort you make to include them in your day.
3.Use positive forms of discipline
Punishment is not very effective. It tends to create more of the
very behavior that fathers are seeking to eliminate. Use natural
and logical consequences instead—if you don’t pick up your toys,
they get put in a bag and taken away for awhile. Give them
choices. Positive discipline methods help kids learn
responsibility, punishment helps them learn to dislike you.
4.Have a great relationship with you wife
You are the main role model for your kids, and this is the main
source of information for them about how to have a close
relationship. They’re watching very closely to learn how to do
it.
5.Be aware of your kids lives
How much do you really know about your kids? Are you aware of
their hopes and dreams? Do you know what inspires them? Do you
know their friends names? What they like and dislike about you?
If there are things you don’t know about your kids, you can
always ask!
6.Be nurturing with your kids
Hug and kiss your kids, and let them hear plenty of “I love
you’s.” And also don’t forget to wrestle with them. Both boys
and girls benefit from wrestling with their dads. Kids need to
see your “soft” side, so show it to them frequently.
7.“Really” listen to your kids
Put down the newspaper and look your kids in the eye when they
talk to you. Be aware of your own tendency to “filter” what your
kids say. Reflect back what you heard from them. If you want
them to listen to you, you’ve got to show them the way.
8.Examine your relationship with your own father
A poor relationship with your own father will affect your
ability to be an effective father. Are there things you want to
say to your father? Ultimately, forgiving your father will go a
long way towards allowing you to father to the best of your
ability.
9.Take care of yourself
It’s difficult to be kind and nurturing to your family if you’re
not kind to yourself. Find ways to take the time to relax,
exercise, and keep your stress levels lower. And use friends and
family to support you—don’t become an “island” in your family.
Your family will appreciate it.
10.Have a plan for your anger
Men can have a difficult time with the overwhelming emotional
intensity that families can experience. The result is often
anger, which breeds anger in your kids and creates a vicious
cycle. Make a plan with a specific relaxation technique that
helps to defuse your anger. Remember that one bad episode can
impact your kids for a long time.
About the author:
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers and
husbands. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally
Intelligent Fathers” http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm.
Sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, “Dads, Don’t Fix Your
Kids,” at http://www.markbrandenburg.com
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